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Friday, February 8th, 2008
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1:40 am - i is tired
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I need a knight in shining armour to save me from this evil monster with fiery hair. sigh, I'm stuck in this dungeon and I can't get out. No one can hear me. No one is looking for me. sigh. sigh. sigh. I Have a goofy face in my picture. Goofy ear muffs too. :rolleyes:
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| Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
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10:21 pm - Winter Break
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Happy New Year! I got back from Europe a little less than a week ago and it was amazing! If anyone has any urge no matter how small it is to go abroad, DO IT! I've never had so much fun in my life!
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| Sunday, November 19th, 2006
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4:37 pm - Finds
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Now I don't know if all the books I found today are great finds but I certainly hope they are. I went to the library today and decided to check out the book sale they were having. I bought 5 new books. Very excited to read them, although I'm clouded with thoughts of homework, money, work school and trying to become the person I want to be or rather finding out what the person I am wants. It's such a strange time. I am greatful for all the outlets I have to distract me. Crocheting, reading, episodes of Lost and The Office. They keep me sane or at least keep me outwardly sane. If anyone knew what went on in here (pointing to my forehead) they would know that no amount of distraction could clean up this mess.
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| Sunday, July 16th, 2006
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6:52 pm - Summer School is OVER!
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It ends on a good note thanks to the rescue mission of my brother and his immense generosity. I was living with a woman who was insane and the closest thing to the devil I have had to live with, not counting a few years of my childhood with my mother.
I am leaving San Jose in two days and although I will miss the company of my brother and his roommate Kevin, it will be nice to be home with my sister and parents. Goodbye to school work and job work for the next month and a half! This is going to be awesome.
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| Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
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6:49 pm - Very significant
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I had this drean the other night that I was a stewdardist on this plane/hotel. I was working with my old friend Heather Frandson. It makes sense that I was with her because we used to work at the theater in Lemoore together. Just like at the theater Heather and I were talking, singing and having a good time with one another. Then her and I were in the laundry room together and she is praising this thing I created for the washing machine. It wasa soap and water mixer.
Then she starts to climb into the one of the washing machines and I start to laugh because I thought she was just being her crazy self. She crouches into the machine and then closes the lid. She never came back out. I ran around the plane trying to find her. I was bawling. I kept asking "Why did she leave?", "Why would she leave like that?", "Why is she gone?" Everyone else on the plane seemed unphased. This seems to be the common theme in my dreams. I am running around like maniac crying and screaming and everyone else is as calm as Hindu Cows. that is also significant, but how...I do not know.
I didn't remember this dream until later in the day which is strange because I usually remember them right after I wake up. My friend Heather killed herself last summer. I miss having the option of calling her.
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| Thursday, June 8th, 2006
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11:19 pm - Crazy Times
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I had a dream I was dead. I started bawling in my dream and then woke up feeling scared. My dream book suggests that there are big changes happening in my life and that I need to adjust my approach to life. This could be true. There are a whole lot of changes gong on in my life, a very tumultuos time for me and I have been changing the way I function or the way I think about different things. It's so difficult to change the ways you approach life.
I'm tired of doing homework, hence my updating of my journal. There is still so much to do. I can not wait for these six weeks to be over, well, now it is five weeks. There is no way you can really learn all the material you need to learn from these classes in this amount of time. It's such a joke.
Time to start writing the rest of my journal for class. Wish me luck.
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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7:11 am - It's terribly early
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I hate working Saturdays because it means this, this early morning waking. I have been doing it for the past two days though to take my finals.
After work I will have a glorious day at the beach. Sitting on it with my sister, making up dialogue for the dogs running around.
The other day I woke myself up because of a dream I had. My bed was outside and there were little shrub bushes were my desk was. I was leaning over the shrub bush when a bee buzzed out of it. I julted so much that I woke myself up. That was a scary little bee.
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| Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
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7:05 pm - relieved
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TGIT Thank God It's Thursday. I've been working everday this week and going to school. It takes a lot out of you. Really hasn't left much time for a social life. Though I'm not sure I would be out there and hanging out if I did have the time. I might go out, but I'm not entirely sure I would be with anyone. It's been a really hectic and disappointing start to the semester. Most of the people I know here in San Jose are either assholes or flakes. I've been so disappointed in the people I've been associating with. Though lately I haven't hung around any of them, which is a good thing. I think I've really needed this time to myself. I believe it's the best thing for me.
But I had this really weird dream the other night. I was in Lemoore to visit Scott and then out of no where Jenny was there. She kept wanting me to go to Oregon with her. So I finally said okay and then was mad at myself for saying I would, because I had come into town to visit with Scott. So, at the last minute I tell Jenny that I'm not going to go with her and she starts to yell at me and I start to yell back and we get in this huge fight.
I'm not sure what happened from there only that Jenny and I were not fighting anymore and her ex had given me this big toad who lived under my bed. And in a span of five to ten minutes I kept seeing more and more toads all around my room. I got really annoyed and I shouted at Jenny that we had to get rid of them and started stomping on them and putting them into a plastic bag. Then Jenny and I went out to the dumpster with the bag of toads and were laughing together. Weird eh? They usually are.
Dream interpretation:
Frog: Many associate the frog with a visible growth pattern which mirrors growth to maturity of human beings. The frog is a symbol of fertility and eroticism. It also representative of an aspect of our character that can be changed, something nasty that can be changed into good. Transmutation.
hummm?
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| Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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11:18 am - I did it!
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With a little help from my sister Amy, I got a job. I hardly had to do anything. I didn't even fill out an application, I got a call from the manager and he interviewed me and then after the interview was over, he told me I was hired. Simple as that.
So I am now employeed by an Irish man named William, at his establishment (not sure of the actual name), but it is an Irish Coffee house. Which is pretty cool. I'm excited. I was looking at living off of doodely squat this semester without a job.
In other news, the other night I had a really crazy dream. I dreamt that I was with my older brother and sister and we were out in the ocean and we were surfing. Or I was trying to surf. Then Melanie was encouraging me to paddle out further. I suddenly realized that I was in the ocean and that I am petrified of the ocean. So, I start to look around me and look at the water which looks blue but there is still no visiblity underneath. It comes into my head that there could be sharks around and then sure enough two sharks are swimming at my feet. I start to paddle as fast as I can to shore and scream for everyone to to get out. Then the sharks start to multiply. They are everywhere in the water. Tons of them. But the weird thing was that they weren't attacking. They all seemed lethargic and uninterested in us.
The next thing I know, we're all on the shore and the tide is bringing in all the sharks. They're all dead or dying and they are covering the beaches. It was right at sunset and at the edge of the water all you could see were the bodies of the sharks. It was really strange and sad.
Dream Interpretation book:
A sea of sharks suggests that we are in a situation where we do not trust anyone.
Because a shark is a sea creature is has the significance of creating problems on an emotional level. It is as though our emotional capacity can be eroded by unscrupulous behavior.
hmmm....interesting.
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| Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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10:41 am - Job Hunting
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It's time to start the search for a job. If I do not obtain one then I'm basically screwed this semester. I'm getting relatively nothing from financial aide so, no more procrastinating on this job search. It's crunch time.
I'm very apprehensive about the whole process though. Subway is my last impression of a job and that was a nightmare.
I'l just have to get myself motivated to get out there and then from there it shouldn't be too bad. Okay, working on my attitude.
I will go out there and get a job. I will be charming and energetic and I will find myself a job.
Okay, time to get ready for the search. Wish me luck.
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| Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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4:15 pm - IT IS FINISHED!!!
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Damn it. I fucking did it. I called things off with Luis. I was mad at myself for not doing it sooner but damn it I can't do that. I did it and that is what matters. I don't need him. I don't even want him. And him being a douche online after the fact just reinforced my decision.
So fuck it! I'm free. Now I can go and make out with girls! That is something to look forward to.
WOOT!
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| Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
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11:50 pm - Torn
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I fear that lately I have not been taking care of myself. I have a lot of anxiety about the decisions I have been making in my life. I think it's sowing in my dreams.
Last night, I dream that I was dating a middle aged man who was not very good to me or anyone else around him. I finally decide to end it. So I sit with him on a curb on a street and tell him that I want out. He goes into a rage and rips a lamp post out of the concrete. Then takes that post and starts breaking up the curb with it. I am obviously scared and am hiding from him for the rest of the dream basically.
Then in the next part of my dream I am cleaning out a horse pin(the one at my house only this one is surrounded by the same fence only with barbed wire hanging from the top of it) and I then go inside and come back out and begin to feed the horses bananas. The next day I go out to finish cleaning the pin but never get to. Because before I know it, one of the horses start to go crazy and begin to charge after me. It opens it's mouth and gets a mouthful of barbed wire. But that doesn't keep it in, he runs straight through it and is still headed towards me. But the thing is that something in me tells me that this horse is running after me because he likes me, but I'm still terrified of him. So I run back into the house. From there I can't remember.
They all kind of point in the same direction. I think I know what my mind is trying to tell me.
Make your life better for you Jessica. Do not compromise yourself. Nothing is worth it.
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| Monday, December 19th, 2005
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12:36 am - My birthday
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It was on the eighth. I'm now, nineteen!!! Feels a lot like eighteen, only now, I can say, "I'm nineteen." Hell yeah.
Well, I survived the first semester of college, finals are over and break has officially begun. I'm staying at my bros right now and so far, even though it's only been a day, I've really enjoyed myself so far. It's amazing how much safer you feel to speak when you know that no one is going to pull a, "just kidding, " comment on you. This is something I've had to deal with quite a bit since I have been in college. People seem to think that ridicule is the new humor, and for some I guess it is. I even think it's gotten to the point that some people think they won't have any jokes to make unless they are ridiculing someone. And being at my brother's, I know that this is just not true. There are still things to joke about without making those jokes at the expense of someone else. Something else I've noticed about this "new humor," is that I feel so much more comfortable when I laugh at it. It's not this awkward painful laugh you do when someone has poked fun at you and ends it with a, "just kidding."
The reason I bring this up is because I've been questioning this new age humor of ridicule, decided I don't like it, ridding my life of it all together. Lately, with this new guy I've been seeing, I've had to really ask myself, "How do I rid my life of this." I've been seeing this guy who is all about ridiculing humor. I do like him and want to make things work, but I can see lately that he is one of those who has built a lot of his sense of humor around this kind of kidding. I'm torn. Because my way of dealing with this kind of kidding has been in two ways:
1. I care about and like the person, so therefore they are worth the work it will take to bring up this problem and talk about it.
2. They are not worth it and I just cut them out of my life completely. Just will not deal with it, they are not important enough to me.
But with him, it's such a big part of him that I'm not sure of the response I'm going to get. The last time I brought it up, it was good but I just don't know how much he can take because there is a lot there that I feel needs changing. I suppose I'll find the balance somewhere. Eventually, I always do. It has to happen sometime, because things always have to get better.
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| Monday, October 31st, 2005
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4:04 pm - Chocolate ice cream
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I've never been on an ice cream binge like I have been on this past week. I've always liked ice cream but lately it's been an addiction.
At least it's not alcohol or smoking. That would not be good.
Went to a Halloween party on Saturday. It would have been just perfect had there not been so much tension. And the tension was all very underlying which made things even worse. When tension is like this you get a lot of snyde comments followed by the oh so commen cop out, "Just Kidding." F that. Ah well.
The tension was due to a boy. Of course. This guy Luke is into me but of course he is having sex with my friend Lea who is very hurt by the fact that he likes me. I told her I would not do anything with Luke. It's kind of hard though because I do feel an attraction to Luke. Damn stupid stuff. I have to talk to him and put up some boundaries. Even though it's not what I truly want to do. But you know that you have to stick by a friend when it comes down to things like this.
I went to the party as a mechanic.
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| Friday, October 28th, 2005
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3:11 pm - Weird
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I always have the weirdest dreams. I had a dream that I had a baby and it was only the size of my palm. Weird. I also had a dream that me and my brother saw this huge car accident.
Scott came and visited me on Wednesday. I actually felt really good about it. I was so nervous before he came. I thought so much about calling it off, which was the advice of most of my friends and family, but in the end I couldn't. I wanted to see him.
We ended up kissing and crying. All to be expected. He told me that he couldn't wait forever for me and I told him that he doesn't have to wait. I know he will. I'm very confused right now. I feel so bad that I just want to get rid of this feeling and I know how I can do that. By going back out with Scott. But I know that I would just feel the way I was feeling before when I was with Scott and that was not the best. It would be a much more comfortable bad feeling though. This is all too new.
Ah well, what are you gonna do? Not go back out with Scott that's what. lol.
Right now, I'd better get on my research for the speech I have to give in a week.
Hi Shane! I think you're the only one who reads my journal. :)
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| Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
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1:27 pm - Another Dream
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I am watching this older girl and this little girl, they are standing side by side and the older girl is teaching the little one how to walk on water. So they are both on the beach of the ocean and begin to walk out onto the ocean. They little girl looks kind of scared. They are walking out really far when finally they decide to turn back. Then as they are walking the ocean starts to build from underneath. They water is rising and the waves will soon be crashing on them. It's as though this great life from underneath is trying to escaope from the water. The size of it is overwhelming. I'm looking at all of this from above.
The older girl looks around her and begins to run, leaving the little girl behind. The girl is not running on the water to get away though. She went to the bottum of the ocean and was running on the ground level to get away. The little girl can not move as fast on the top of the water so I start shouting that the older girl was running on the bottum of the ocean. The little girl looks at me frantically and tries to run on the ocean floor. It does not work, she's too small. So I go down into the water and I pull her up and try my hardest to swim her to shore. The waves are so powerful I feel like giving up, but I keep on swimming. The water is not even crashing, it is just a huge wave, as big as a sky scraper. The beach is a city and the water rising above the tall buildings and then going back to the ocean and then, again, engolfing the city. I am swimming with the little girl and we finally make it to the city. We find some place to hide and both of us are safe.
It was a really scary dream.
Dream interpretation book
Ocean or Sea-Represents cosmic consciousness, that is the original chaotic state from which all life emerges. Inherent in that state is all knowledge, althoug that may be obscured by our fear of the depths
Waves of the Sea-Represent emotion or lust
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| Monday, October 24th, 2005
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3:37 pm - Saddness
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It's obvious why I would be sad today. Yesturday was the last day of my year and eight month relationship with Scott. I would go into the reasons but right now I don't really want to talk about that.
I was telling a couple of my dreams to my brother and sister and my brother told me that I should write these down in my live journal. It would give me a reason to write in this more.
So last night,in my dream, my sister and I always went to this rich ladies house. A lot of people went there. Everyone stole from her. So you know me and Amy wanted in on some of this stuff. The only thing I got the courage to steal was this small green sweater with a hole in it. I was very disappointed in myself. It did not even fit me. But the lady found out that I took it and told me to never come back. The sweater I took had a hole in it, so I fixed it and gave it back to her. She did not care. It's probably good because the only thing I was thinking was if she forgives me I want to get back into her house and steal more from her.
But then it went to a different part of my dream where I was in my room with Luis and Amy. Amy put on some music and I started dancing. then Luis tried to dance with me and he was no help. Only a nusaince. We were bumping into eachother and had no harmony. I just wanted to dance by myself. ugh. He wouldn't leave. but i was smiling the whole time anyways.
I'll go into the meaning of some of these things later. For now I must go and carve some pumpkins. It should help me feel better.
Good bye everyone
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| Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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6:37 pm - Hello everybody
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Well, it's all happened, I'm here at college and it's pretty fun. But I guess I decided in a drunkin state to have too much fun so it really wasn't that fun when it came down to it. But here I went from the overview of my experience of college to a specific event without letting anyone know. You see, that's not right.
So college, as a whole has been pretty good. I did not think I would be getting as bored as often as I do. But then when I do go out to have fun it is a lot of fun. But let me tell you college is not all fun, you have to train yourself to do the things you have to do. I'm gonna to do free write.
Hope roommate isn't mad the music is on, but if she is she should say something. Are people leaving, is that what I hear in the hall. I told Scott I wouldn't smoke hooka anymore but also told Renee that I would take her out for hooka given the fact that she's never gone. Gonna stop writing and go down the hall. Have to distract myself from my homework. See, you need to have discipline. Wait, maybe won't go down the hall, Think I heard Cooper. Don't want to see him, it was hard enough seeing him yesturday. Actually not too bad. He did look at me like heeeeyyy, I know you type thing. Like he had something over me, but fooled him, I told Scott, you got nothing on me that someone you think doesn't know knows, if that makes sense, was about to look over writing but that's not suppose to be what you do with free write. write wrote quote throat, which hurts like hell today for no apparant reason. Went to the counseling office made an appointment.
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| Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
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10:31 am - 2 more days
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Okay, just have to hold on for two more days
I never thought I'd get to the point that I'd say I only have two more days of high school yet.
Then it's on to San Jose where I'll be with family out of the valley and in college. I'm so psyced. God I wish I could spell
I was playing scrabble with Scott last night and even though I'm really bad at the game and at making or spelling words Scott was so much worse.
Scott and I are in a bit of a rut right now. Our relationship has become very routine and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think we should start planning acitivities to do together. Like have a night that we paint. Maybe we could form our own book club consisting of him and me. We read books and then discuss them. I don't think that would be Scott's cup of tea though and it even sounds a bit dull to me. Just an idea. Oh well, we'll get through it.
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| Thursday, May 26th, 2005
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12:01 pm - Sticky Situations
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Okay so here is my sticky situation.
I have this "friend" if that is what you call it. Except I think that she is just too jealous of me to be a real friend. That may sound a little conceded (can not spell), but I just think it's true. I mean with any little thing I'm good at she will turn into an ass about it. Even my mad puzzle skills. She hates it because she can't hold a candle to them. So she makes fun of me for it. But the bad thing is that I can't get away from her. She's in my second period class and she's my friends girlfriend. This was the one thing I was trying to avoid. Stupid high school drama shit my last year of high school.
I'm thinking that I'll just do my best to avoid her because at this point with the school year so close to being over I really would just like to avoid sticky conversations. I let this go on for way too long.
I don't like thinking about it. I just feel uneasy and nauseas when I think about it.
I wish I had something better to write.
Oh I know! I graduate in 9 days. But it's really only 6 because the last three days are just graduation practice. I can't wait! I just want this year to be over.
I feel like screaming. There is so much going on.
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sweaterfanatic's journal